Spam Hour!

A few months into this blog’s existence (And precious few posts to show for it, I admit with some embarrassment) and it’s felt like I’ve been micturating in the cyber-wind. I mean, who’s been reading this stuff, apart from a few friends, a couple of family members and people I’ve lured with cold, hard funds? Sometimes I’ve felt like I’ve been throwing these posts out there to die a slow, ignominious unclickedupon death, never to be unearthed again.

However, I’ve realized that about this I’ve been utterly wrong. It seems that I’ve garnered quite the following amongst a very specific demographic in the internet, a small but vocal and apparently rapturous group to which my work has been little short of epoch-making.

To whom do I refer? Movie geeks? Emos? Those people who actually think that Trollface thing is funny?

No: I refer to spambots, those funky little computer programs who spend their days composing text to be automatically posted in comments sections. You know, the ones that are supposed to be making sales pitches for generic products but invariably end up battering, smooshing and generally gangbanging the English language into forms hitherto undiscovered by man. My spam filter is full of these, and they all seem to have one thing in common: they love me.

So, I have decided to come down from my ethereal pedestal and address the comments of these, my adoring fans. First up is a cheeky little scamp called Patriots Jersey:

“i do hope you never stop! This is often among the finest blogs I have ever read. Exhibiting some mad skill here, man. We hope that you simply dont lose your personal style because youre definitely one on the coolest bloggers these days. Please stick with it simply because the internet needs you spreading the word.”

Phew! Talk about a good review. I’ve been complimented in the past, but ‘mad skill’? That makes me feel all street and poop. AND I have personal style! This is probably just as well, because I wouldn’t want the style of anyone else I know. They all dress like street people; not the Tupac/Biggie type street people either, more the smells-of-pee kind. But don’t worry Patriots (I think we’re on a first-name basis by now), I’ll be sticking with it. Mad skills like these never leave the streets. Blud. Yo. Um, G. Brrrap brrrap?

Ahem.

Next is Youth Packers Jersey, who I assume is a relative of Patriots Jersey (Nice work getting the family on board, Patriots!):

“Most information this write-up are fantastic but had my family asking, did these people imply that? The one thing We’ve had reached say is your publishing expertise are certainly good we will surely give back for all fresh writing you get, you could possibly have a very new admirer. I saved web site website hosting reference.”

It’s certainly nice to know that you saved my page – I love the smell of repeat customers! Not sure who you mean who ‘these people’ are and what they’re meant to be implying, though. I assume you’re taking my posts to be the work of several people just because of the sheer concentrated quality within but have no fear, it’s all me. That is, unless you’re accusing me of plagiarism in which case I will have you know I have a truck full of lawyers who will sue you to Armageddon and back if you start shooting your mouth off! They will too, they’re ruthless. They’re hungry in that truck and I rarely let them out, even for personal comfort breaks. Never cross a starving lawyer who’s lost touch with human interaction. They’ll eat your soul.

Finally we have our last fan comment, from Steelers Jersey (Jeez, I really impressed this family!):

“Finding this web site made all the work I conducted feels like nothing. This is because nevertheless this is this informative post.”

See? My work is so amazing, it’s driven Steelers to existential dread! Now Steelers, I know that after reading my accomplished, erudite and downright rakish work your own doodlings must seem pretty damned insignificant. Don’t worry, it happens to all of us (Apart from me; I’m perfect). Please don’t lose heart; as you said yourself, you found my post informative so surely that positive learning experience will help ameliorate the crushing, grinding, hope-shattering realization of the futility of your own dreams? I mean, you have more information than you did before you read it – why can’t that be a plus? Why focus on the negative, like your brother/sister/cousin/thing Patriots? God Steelers, don’t be such a friggin’ emo. Some people are never happy, I don’t know…

So there we have it! The automated text generators of the world have spoken, and I am a king among wordsmiths. Now all we need are spambots to start giving out the Nobel Prize, and I’ll be laughing.